I know you think you love him, I know he stole your Sunday with thoughts of him that clawed at your chest, but how can you be sure that what you are feeling is love? How can you be sure that what you are feeling is any good for you or beneficial in anyway? I’ve been there. Through it all, with you. Helped you heal and we finally got ourselves back on our feet. Maybe the memory of the pain and scars he caused has escaped you. But with me; they remain. Vivid and haunting. That is why it hurt to be around him, love and resentment do not mesh well inside do they? But I am writing to tell you that I have been doing some thinking, and I believe it was the sudden realisation that some love for him still lingers inside you that stung the most. After a year of recovery: forgetting his name, quelling the desire for his touch and erasing all memory of the feelings he provoked within you. But alas, just one look dismantled all the barriers, all the walls you spent so long building around your heart to protect you from people like him. You feel like this is what love does, this is how love behaves? Well, lucky for you I do all the thinking and it’s a bitter shame. A bitter shame that you mistake a dagger for a rose, every time. A bitter shame that despite all the pain he has caused you feel like something that is within you is drawn to something that is within him. And this paralyses you with fear. What will become of these feelings? I am here to remind you of the last time you opened up to him. Remember how that felt? How he turned your courageous efforts of making something lasting and true into a whirlwind of anxiety and dismay. I will not let that happen to you again no matter what feelings you, mere Heart, think you have. I will be your guard. Always.
With my deepest concern,
I offer you my deepest and truest apology for all the agony and despair I have made us endure at times, but I feel like in spite of everything it will be worth it. He awoke some things inside of me that I thought were dead, things, heeding your advice, I tried to kill. But as you can see, despite all our efforts, merely his presence alone ignited something in me. I used to think that this made me weak but now I believe that this all simply confirms something we’ve been trying to deny. I’m in love. Who knew it would feel like this? How does love arrive so quickly, so unexpectedly? These are questions you can not answer, Mind, because this love did not come from you. It was not thought up, no matter how many times you would tell me so, to alleviate the pain. It feels too real to deny … to simply ignore. It feels brand new, as if our past was purely preparing us for that very moment – the moment we realised our love for each other at the same exact time. Maybe I do not know what will become of these feelings but do not disparage my honesty. Try to understand, do not judge me when I tell you that to deny my feelings at this very moment would be to deny something I believe to be monumental. A pivotal moment in my life that will shape and colour all things proceeding. Your warning has simply reminded me of his unquestionable influence, how I will forever feel tied to him. Our fates are intertwined and this is something logic can never truly fathom. My only desire is for you to enjoy the splendour love brings with me, without reservation. This is what it means to be alive.