Seasons Change

You were my climate

I would bend & yield to your slightest variation

When you were my sun, I would dress down for you, all skin, melanin, exposure

Blanketed by your warmth

 I vacationed in your love

 

Until the season called for your coldness

I would grimace & endure your presence

Like a sore throat in recovery

 

The autumns of your indifference

Brought with it a kaleidoscope of mystery

As the leaves fell from our dreams

Unrealised

We marvelled at the unsettling paradox

That the beauty of our ideals may never be fully actualised

But the beauty stands unwavering

All the same

 

The winter of our love

Brought with it a necessary mourning

As I purged you, heart and soul

Piercing through with icy precision

I allowed it to hurt

I gloried in the courage it took to brave your coldness

To endure

Until the last morsel of this blizzarding love

Melted away

 

Bringing forth a spring of reflection

Of clarity

As I meditated on all the reasons I had to leave:

That no matter how hard I adapt

To your vicissitudes

Your endless variations

I found myself staring

Perpetually

At this ticket back

To myself

 

For my heart is a tropical island

Of dreams & beauty & irresistible warmth

Until my rain comes like a hot baptism

Ready to cleanse & make a new

To saver in the promise of a warmer tomorrow

 

And for now, maybe that’s what I need more

As I vacationed in your temperate maritime climate

It is time for this sojourning solider to return home

Look Within

It’s not here

The Fear that plagues you

The Love that binds you

The Desire that drives you

 

It’s not here

The mechanisms of love

The barriers you place around it

The romantic illusions that pollute it

The myths that mask you from the truth

 

It’s not here

The saving grace

The divine light

Blazing away sorrows history

From your veins, from your veins

 

It’s not here

In that powdery embrace

A nose full, a mouth full,

a forbidden pharmacy

 

It’s not here

In that liquid luck

And all the ways you try to orchestrate your own destruction

It’s not here

It’s not here

It’s not here

 

 

Look within.

Amplified

 

No substance truly annihilates forsaken pain

No chemical can cure the crash

Crash

Crash

Of a shattering heart

Breaking

On the floor of your chest

The bleeding,

The agony,

It cannot be avoided

Numbed, perhaps

But that is like

Walking bare foot

Over the shards of your own heart

Pretending the wounds aren’t there

Pretending

That the pieces

Of your once whole heart

Aren’t now festering inside of you

Like a malignant lump

No longer beating

But bleeding

Seeping through every crevice of your soul

Until you are utterly consumed

 

Neglected pain

Cannot be numbed by illegal substances

That promise of temporal joy

Temporal escape

Temporal release

Because as the substance leaves you

And your plane lands

And you feel yourself descending

Down a very deep hole

The pain will greet you there

That misery you left on stand by

On hold

Because life got in the way

 

But I know, love

This world is still cruel to the kindest of souls

And life doesn’t stop

Life doesn’t give way

Life doesn’t allow you to process this pain away – naturally

 

So we drink it away,

We smoke it away,

We love it away

But when your plane lands

And you feel yourself descending

Down a very deep hole

The pain will greet you there

Larger than before

So do not expect it to whisper

Do not expect it to meet you conveniently

Expect the room where your pain resides to be empty

Cleared of any redeeming quality

So when the chorus of your pain takes to the mic

Expect its volume, its power to be

Amplified

Smoking Kills

You are the poison in my veins

But I inhale you

Still

My Mayfair sky blue

We create heaven

Clouds of euphoric ecstasy

But I still choke on the aftertaste

I still gag on the fumes of you

Of your disregard

 

You cause havoc on my insides

Yet

I inhale you, still

 

I had the spark you needed

Potential ignites

You pass through my lips with a violent kiss

Straight to the lungs

And I watch as I breathe out the daydreams

My fickle fantasy

This habit is not as artistic as it seems

 

But I watch the sapphire smoke dance in the wind

Haunting the skies with your fleeting beauty

The embers of our love

I prolong the last breaths of you like meditation

Clutching on to the chemicals

The high

For as long as I can

 

I burn through the nicotine as it burns through me

For Aleppo

Aleppo has become a synonym for hell” they say

When I switch over to the 12’o’clock news

And my mind meditates on the rhetoric.

 

Hell hath no fury like a government scorned

I think to myself

As I realise

How poorly reported this whole travesty has been.

 

I see women

Walking dead

But alive enough to see the bones of their children

Mothers, brothers, sisters, lovers.

Decomposing, decrepit. But trust me, she suffers the worst death.

 

I see children

Numbed with pain

Too young to be this conscious

Of the harsh realities of this world

Aleppo is a place where the children have stopped crying” they say

All these victims – merely pawns in the devil’s chess game

 

But what I do not see

Are the culprits in chains, or

News reporters, screaming, losing their shit as they damn

The power hungry, the murderous

Who sit in suits and orchestrate deaths

Who use rape as a weapon of war

To silence the outraged, to assert their dominance

 

I want to see our government

Accepting responsibility for the part they’ve played

For the moves they’ve made

That have contributed to the pain that echoes in the walls, in the halls

And in the hearts of everywhere and everything in Aleppo that the bombs have missed

That the militiamen have yet to demolish

That the Syrian government have yet to devastate

That the Russian government have yet to destroy

 

This tragedy was created by a vacuum of Western leadership, of American leadership, of British leadership” they say

And I accept through gritted teeth

May we one day come to appreciate the privilege and right to life

We so carelessly take from others

And I want the shame of this to saturate

And lead to productive action

From all that can

From all that should

From all

“The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis.” – Dante Alighieri

Bathrooms

I feel more myself in bathrooms

Than anywhere else I can imagine

Everything flows comfortably:

The tears,

The urine,

The occasional vomit.

I don’t have to be anyone but myself in bathrooms

No expectations,

No demands,

Just solitude,

Bliss.

 

I find

There is something so cathartic about sitting

Bare bummed

In a squat position

Or even just standing

Completely clothed

In front of the mirror

Confronting yourself

As you stare into your own eyes

Peering into your windows

Clearly seeing all the inner turmoil

Unrest and dismay

You have, thus far, skillfully avoided

 

But in bathrooms

I find

That the truth

You’ve spent so long masking

Makes its way to the forefront

 

So after you carefully put yourself back together again

After all the ways life has torn you apart

You smile

Through tear stained lips

Practising

For when people ask you how you are.